Regrets
by JusticeJaneway
Summary: J/C Janeway and Chakotay seem to have come to terms about their non-relationship and accept that there might be nothing more between them than mere friendship. However intervening events force them to become less complacent and re-evaluate their lives
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the characters, I'm just taking them and as much as I hope it's where no one has gone before I really don't think I've managed to escape any of the clichés. Oops!

Author's Note: This is my first fic, so please be kind! All reviews welcome, not only on the plot and storyline, but writing as well. Thanks and I hope you enjoy!

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Kathryn Janeway smiled as she tapped in the final commands that would end the launch sequence and settle the shuttle Kelvin into cruise mode. She leant back in her chair, curling one foot beneath her and propping the other up on the chair to watch the stars whizz past. It was her first time back in space since Voyager had returned home and though she often joked that if Starfleet ever sent her on another space mission it would be too soon, truth be told, she had missed hearing the quiet hum of the engines and the thrumming of a ship beneath her feet.

A chuckle emanated from the seat next to her and she reluctantly drew her eyes off the view screen to give her co-pilot a glance. "What?" she asked, a little too harshly, slightly upset at being interrupted just as she was finally beginning to relax after weeks of endless debriefings and interviews that bordered on interrogations.

"Nothing. It's just that this is the first time I've seen you so relaxed in such a long time." Chakotay continued to busy himself with the controls, undoubtedly double-checking that all systems were functioning and that they were heading to the correct destination, a small formal gathering of Starfleet's elite on Mars – the last of their obligations before they were allowed to embark on their post-Voyager lives.

"Hmm," she mumbled absent-mindedly, taking advantage of Chakotay's preoccupancy to study him. Apart from a few minutes here and there before and between briefings to get their stories straight (not that it had been needed, it just gave her peace of mind to know that they were on the same page) this was the first time she had been alone with him in several months. Their relationship on Voyager had been strained in the last leg of their journey through the Delta Quadrant – she often speculated if her counterpart, The Admiral, had decided to turn up when she did to preserve what she was sure that she and her counterpart both considered the most important relationship in their lives. She wondered if now, in the quiet of things, he would finally bring up his blossoming relationship with Seven of Nine or if she should be the one to acknowledge that she already knew about the two of them and put him out of his misery. Countless of times, before and during launch she had noticed him watching her carefully out of the corner of her eye and start to say something before stopping himself.

Carefully, she noted his chiselled features that stood out against the backdrop of gentle starlight and as was common should she but more than glance at him felt the same rush of adrenalin and attraction that had consumed her when she had first regarded him on her bridge seven years ago. She would not lie – she found his advances on Voyager extremely flattering, but at the same time knew that there was a consensus that their flirting could not go any further. She had always believed that while emotionally, their relationship could be likened to that of a married couple, the barrier between them was but a physical one. Theirs was an unofficial marriage that she had always believed would become a formal one when they arrived back on Earth. But now, even that had changed. The stresses of the last few months on Voyager had forced them apart and lacking that emotional contact that had always seen them through, she had become bitter and he had found solace in the arms of another woman.

Not a woman... a child, she corrected and immediately chided herself, _Kathryn,_ there's_ no need to be malicious_. In the months following their return when she was alone in her quarters at the end of a long day of debriefings, she had finally come to terms with her conundrum once and for all. Naturally, she had debated the sensibilities of rushing to Chakotay, shaking him by the shoulders and declaring her undying love for him – but that was a fantasy, a course of action that went against her nature – she was after all Kathryn Janeway and considered herself to be a woman of class and decorum and Chakotay, well, he was a grown man with a mind of his own. Yes, they had an unspoken agreement that there was a possibility they could be together once they got home and he did seem to have turned his back on it, but that did not mean she should be angry, after all their accord was an _unspoken_ one – perhaps she herself had simply wished it into being – but what _was_ true was that they shared a special bond and even if she had to reconcile herself to the fact that it had to be a mere friendship, she was more than willing to accept that.

She had come to this raison d'être, weeks after they had returned to Earth, she had buried all her conflicting emotions regarding Chakotay to the back of her mind and in true Janeway fashion vaulted them there and it was with this renewed purpose that she agreed with the Admiralty that she and Chakotay should be the ones to represent Voyager's crew at this function on Mars.

It was Chakotay's eyes on her that brought her out of her reverie. "What?" It was his turn to ask.

"Nothing," she grinned at him, "It's just the first time I've seen you so relaxed in such a long time," she echoed. She shifted her position so that both her feet dangled over the chair's armrest in a very un-Captain-like manner. "No seriously Chakotay," she said voicing her thoughts from earlier, "I dare say your once-greying hair is reverting back to its natural colour. It defies logic!" She threw her hands up in the air signalling her amazement.

He chuckled. "That's because my hair and I don't have to put up with your withering death glares every time I suggest you've overdone it with the coffee."

She smirked in an attempt to hide her smile and narrowed her eyes, "Right now, I'm too happy even think about getting annoyed with you over that snide remark... over _anything_ in fact." She said, hoping that he would catch her drift and open up about his new relationship. She knew that only it was only once they had acknowledged this gnawing tension between them and had everything out in the open could they revert to the camaraderie they had shared on Voyager. When he didn't pipe up, she joked, "So, I think this is a good time to tell me that you never did get 'round to cleaning those carpets on Voyager when I was away."

"Drat," Chakotay played along, beating the air dejectedly, "I was hoping you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Though perhaps it's time I told you something..."

_Finally_, Kathryn flicked her eyes to the sky in a gesture of gratitude to a higher power, she only half believed in as she leaned in conspiringly. "Yes?"

Chakotay's eyes caught hers as she leaned closer and he was reminded of another time when she was like this, like a child – wheedling.

"Chakotay, what is it?"

"Well... Uhm... once when I was preparing for the Andurian Prime Minister's visit, I spilt a cup of tea on the Briefing Room floor and covered it up by moving the table a couple of inches."

Kathryn forced a laugh and leaned back, disappointed. "Is that it?"

Of course it wasn't. Chakotay had been prepared to tell her about his relationship with Seven of Nine – it was perhaps the fifth time he had tried to bring it up in the last hour and there, she had presented him with a golden opportunity to alleviate himself of all sin and he had refused it. His stubborn streak told him he owed nothing to her, his relationship was his own business, but truth be told, he simply wanted to enjoy this time alone with Kathryn, as friends, without any barriers and for once it seemed, no pressure about the future, and he didn't want the conversation to take a sharp turn for the worst. He didn't want to have to address their silent contract regarding the future, the one where she had promised to do everything in her power to get the ship home and he had promised to wait for her, and more importantly he didn't want to face the fact that he had let the most important woman in his life down. When he tried to think back to what had changed and how they had got to this point, he realised that it had been quite anti-climactic. It seemed that he had one day woken up and decided that Voyager's return to Earth was no longer a looming 'when' but a mere 'if'. He hardly saw Kathryn and when he did, all they spoke about was the crew and ship's business. Upon reflection, he realised that overnight, Seven of Nine had started showing him affection and it had filled the gaping hole left by Kathryn's withdrawal and complete submergence into her role as The Captain. He had not only let Kathryn down by giving up on her, more importantly, he had let his Captain down by losing faith in their goal. And with that he concluded that he was unworthy of her, besides he felt some affection for Seven, perhaps he could make amends by fulfilling his duty to her – to help her adjust to leaving the "Voyager collective" and to adapt and integrate into life on Earth. Besides, gone were Kathryn's touches and her secret smiles, he wasn't sure if she still felt the same – perhaps he had imagined their unspoken agreement, wished it true to comfort itself in times when he felt that he was most alone.

Next to him, Kathryn got up and placed her arm on his shoulder, she peered down at his console before turning back to him, "Well, everything seems to be okay here. Mind if I grab a coffee?" He shook his head. "What can I get you, tea?"

"Please."

She smiled down at him and before she knew what possessed her, had cupped his cheek and said softly to him. "You know Chakotay, I don't suppose I'll be alone with you again, for a long time..."

"Well, until the trip back," he interjected, but she brushed him off, in that moment and without realising it, knowing something he didn't. "...And if anything should happen, I just want you to know, your friendship means the world to me. I adore you." She allowed her thumb to caress his cheek, not sensually or romantically, but affectionately before she pulled away to order coffee from the replicator, using that moment away from him to compose herself. She didn't know what had come over her – in that second, she had for a moment worried or sensed that they would be apart, that there would be some sort of trouble and that she might never see him again. She brushed those thoughts away and decided she was being silly – she was over-emotional and tired and she couldn't wait until these official functions were over so she could focus on becoming herself once more.

Just as she was about to turn back, she sensed him behind her. Knowing her all too well, he asked "What was all that, Kathryn?"

"I don't know," she said honestly, her hands still cupping both mugs. She didn't want to acknowledge the feeling of dread or danger that had come over here, fearing that in doing so she would be welcoming it. As a Captain, you developed a second-instinct about things – hunches, they used to call them on Voyager, and yet, when she was in command, she feared the worse 24/7 and undoubtedly she was again worrying unnecessarily – she still couldn't get over the fact that their lives were not in peril each and every day, she rationalised. "I guess, now we're close to the end of the line, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for you, for having you by my side all these years and how much I have come to treasure you."

"And I you, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, listen." She said as she turned to him, handing him his mug. "We're about to go our separate ways for the first time in seven years, you with Seven and me – well God knows where - but I want you to know that if you need anything, I'll be here for you and well, we simply must keep in touch."

Stunned, Chakotay paused as she brushed past him back to her seat. How could she have known? He had met with Seven rarely and as discreetly as he had thought possible – was there anything this woman didn't know? It was almost as though she was a spy in the wall in every room, or at least had an informer. Was it Seven? He didn't think she was ready to take their relationship public, though it wouldn't have surprised him if she needed to confide her woes to the Captain, and then of course it dawned on him.

"The Admiral? Did she tell you?" He asked, towering over Kathryn as she pretended to busy herself at the console.

"Yes."

He knelt down and swivelled her chair around, so she faced him. "Listen, Kathryn..."

"Chakotay, you don't have to explain to me. Really, I'm the last person..." she paused looking for the right words, but still picked the wrong ones, "We made no promises to each other."

Chakotay jerked back, startled by this revelation – surprised that she had shared his dream and that she too believed in the promise. However, she mistook his withdrawal for anger and rejection. He stopped her as she was about to turn back to the console.

"Chakotay, please. Let me go. "

"I wasn't sure that you knew I was still waiting. I thought you'd forgotten, so I chose to forget too."

"I understand. I don't begrudge you the fact that you've moved on, Lord knows you waited long enough. Just promise me, we'll still be friends, okay."

He opened his mouth to say, _'It's not too late to be more'_, but when he looked at her steely eyes, seemingly devoid of love, but in reality an attempt to protect herself, he instead blurted out, "No hard feelings."

If not for her vaulted emotions and the fact that she had for weeks now come to terms with the fact that they could never be together, she would have cried, but instead, she focused her eyes and responded: "None whatsoever." She took a swig of her drink. "Ugh," she groaned, holding the mug out and away from her as though to distance herself from the drink, "I gave you my coffee."

As they swapped cups, it was as though they were returning parts of each other that they had kept hold onto for years now, freeing each other from their burdened and complicated relationship. It seemed that in the end, it was careless words and steely emotions that would keep them apart, but the fact was they were both running away from their feelings, not because they wanted to, but because it was what they had always known. They were now accepting of and comfortable with the masks they had perfected, and were it not for the events that would transpire in the next few weeks and month, those masks, would have eventually fit.

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To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the characters, I'm just taking them and as much as I hope it's where no one has gone before I really don't think I've managed to escape any of the clichés.

Author's Note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, please keep them coming! A slightly shorter chapter this time, and if things seem a little vague, don't worry, you'll see where all this is heading. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy!

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Kathryn Janeway huffed impatiently as she stuck a last pin into her hair as the door chime sounded for the second time. "I'm coming!" She called, knowing full well that Chakotay (on time as usual) could not hear her. She regretted now, as a loose strand of hair worked its way out of her bun and curled down the nape of her neck, refusing the help of the make-up artist and hair-dresser that Starfleet's PR department had offered. Huffing once more, she decided to abandon her efforts, deciding that as much as it might irritate her, some might consider the slightly dishevelled look quite fashionable.

"Chakotay," she greeted warmly as she answered the door. Her exasperation having abated at the sight of her dashing First Officer clad in his best suit. "Well, don't you look charming!" she exclaimed in the slightly brash manner her officers had sometimes come to expect of her.

"You look divine yourself," He grinned, tugging embarrassedly at his earlobe, nodding towards her emerald green evening gown that offset her hair and eyes.

"Thank you. I just have to grab my earrings and I'll be set. Wait a minute?"

"Of course."

As she disappeared into the bedroom of the hotel suite that was adjacent to his own, he scanned the room and spying the wine glasses and bottle they had abandoned out on the patio earlier in the afternoon, decided to busy himself in the five or ten minutes he knew he'd be waiting and tidy them up. Slipping out onto the balcony, he quickly gathered up the glasses, tucking the bottle under his arm to save him an added trip. He smiled remembering their effortless conversation just hours ago. They had initially agreed to arrive ahead of the occasion to give themselves a few hours rest, allowing themselves time to adjust to the climate and get over their jet lag, but having overcome the tension that had pervaded their relationship just hours ago, on board the shuttle, both Kathryn and Chakotay had been eager to spend that precious time together reminiscing and recovering their old camaraderie, worried that it would be a while before they would be alone together like this again. He had been surprised at just how easy it was to ignore the last few months on Voyager and joke about stuffy Admirals who nit-picked over the trivial and ignored larger, more pressing issues that plagued Voyager's return home. As he looked over the terraformed horizon of the once barren Red Planet, he realised that he would be lying if he said that he could completely overlook his love for Kathryn, but he welcomed her friendship and was sure that with time it would come to be enough.

As he turned back to enter the lounge, he noticed someone in the block of rooms opposite their own starring at him through the blinds. Being some distance away, across the ground floor swimming pool and bar, and hidden in the shadows, Chakotay was hard-pressed to make the figure out. He, or she, watched a moment longer and then was gone, leaving a twitching curtain in his wake. He shivered, not because the figure had appeared menacing, although that had been his initial worry – one he quickly and foolishly brushed off as residue anxiety from having had to be on constant alert in the Delta Quadrant – but through worry for Kathryn's safety. If the press knew she was here, he was convinced that they would be relentless in their quest for a newsworthy story, perhaps even going so far as to try and create one themselves. He knew there had been an instance where a reporter had shoved Kathryn into a wall in an attempt to provoke a response from her, having failed to do so by civil means - but having foolishly carrying out this malicious act so close to Starfleet grounds, he had quickly been apprehended by a passing Lieutenant. Chakotay feared that the incident though a trivial one, could soon escalate to involve more dire circumstances and scenarios – some even life threatening. Owen Paris had let it slip that Kathryn had been receiving inauspicious - even threatening letters from people who were still upset over events which had occurred more than seven years ago – people who were outraged that Kathryn had so readily and willingly, without exhausting all the other options available to her, banded together with a group of rogue Maquis outlaws. He was certain her close and much talked about friendship with him did nothing more to help the matter.

However, it quelled his fears somewhat to know that Starfleet was taking steps to protect his Captain. The Admirals had taken to insisting that Kathryn transport directly to HQ from the officers quarters she had temporarily been assigned and though she had lamented over the loss of fresh air that the short walk usually afforded her, she had agreed. She had also reluctantly acquiesced to be accompanied on this short visit by the security detail who had met them at the docking bay, insisting that the same protection be afforded to her First Officer, who she believed was "in as grave a danger as she was" – and though she had looked at the Lieutenant seriously at the time, later on she confessed to Chakotay that her motives had been quite selfish – knowing her request had forced them to spread out their resources, resulting in fewer bodyguards tailing her wherever she went.

"Chakotay?" He heard Kathryn call from inside, interrupting his reverie and when he did not respond immediately; she repeated her call, her voice slightly more agitated.

"Out here," he called and at once she appeared at the glass door.

"What are you doing?" She laughed and all thought of forewarning her of the suspicious journalist disappeared from his mind. No need to worry her needlessly, he reasoned, especially as she was just beginning to relax and wind down after months – no years, of hard work – besides there was a security detail just outside her door and he himself would be nearby if need be. Undoubtedly, "the phantom" was but a curious guest who had looked out the window at an opportune moment and was fascinated at having caught a newly appointed celebrity doing something as mundane as chores.

"There really is no need for you to do this," Kathryn said, taking the bottle from under his arm. "I could have tidied this up later, or," her voice dropped to a conspirational whisper, "Left housekeeping to do it!"

"Kathryn!" He admonished as he followed her in, taking care to lock the sliding glass door behind him, "I'm beginning to think all this fame is getting to your head. There really is no need to abuse your privileges!"

"You're right, Chakotay. Best to keep grounded." Kathryn nodded solemnly, before laughing at his gentle teasing and swatting his chest lightly, ushering him out the door.

"And don't you forget that!" He called after her, following her out the hotel room.

He bumped into her just outside the threshold to her suite. "What's wrong?" He asked wondering why she had stopped midstride.

She shook her head, "Nothing," she said cautiously, staring blankly down the corridor. Chakotay turned to follow her gaze but saw nothing there. "I just thought I saw B'Elanna round that hallway. Well, the woman – whoever she was – was dark-haired and carrying a baby. I just assumed..." her voice trailed off and the shook her head as though to clear her thoughts. "Must have been someone else. You didn't see anyone, did you Ensign?" She asked the boy who couldn't have been more than twenty who stood at attention just to the left of her door.

He paused, as though unsure of what to say, "No, ma'am." He finally responded.

"Captain, will do."

"Yes, Captain." The boy saluted.

"Now there really is no need for _that_." Kathryn laughed. "Well, thank you. Have a good evening."

"You too, Captain."

And as Kathryn and Chakotay walked down the corridor, the Ensign overheard the renown First Officer teasing his Captain lightly, asking: "Do you really think he's going to have a good evening Kathryn? Standing there guarding your door, with nothing but to look at but an uninviting beige wall?"

Ensign Robert Maloney couldn't hear the response, but judging by the laughter that wafted back to him and the Commanders slightly slumped shoulders, he figured that whatever she said, the Captain must have got him good.

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To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the characters, I'm just taking them and as much as I hope that it's where no one has gone before I really don't think I've managed to escape any of the clichés.

Author's Note: Once more, thank you for all your reviews, they are much appreciated. Apologies for the exceedingly long delay in getting this chapter up, when I started the story I was under the impression that uni would be a lot more manageable! Turns out I was wrong. Anyway, as usual I've tried to be as true to the characters as possible, but do let me know if I've strayed, I found this chapter a little tricky in terms of KJ. Thanks for returning and I do hope you enjoy!

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"SURPRISE!"

Startled, Kathryn's hand fell from its nook in Chakotay's arm as they took in the scene that had confronted them as soon as the large oak doors had opened to admit them into the hotel's Grand Bartlet Hall. "What is all this?" She asked directing her question to the grinning members of Voyager's crew who stood closest to her. They simply maintained their glowering visages as cheers erupted through the banquet hall. Unable to contain herself against such a jubilant outburst, she smiled back before turning her head slightly in Chakotay's direction to see his confused, but elated expression - one that she was sure mirrored her own. "Do _you _know what's going on here?" she asked needlessly.

"I haven't the faintest." He shrugged as the applause threatened to drown out his words.

She turned back to her exultant crewman and raised a hand in a gesture the attending crew recognised immediately as her customary call for silence. "Now," she said, projecting her voice loudly this time, so that even the crewmen standing in the far recesses of the hall could hear her, "Not that I'm not delighted to see you all, because let me assure you, I am, but will someone please tell me what you are all doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious, Captain?" Called a chipper Tom Paris, weaving his way through the crowd to stand before his commanding officers, "We're throwing you a traditional Voyager jamboree! Think of it as our way of saying, thank you – both of you, not only for getting us home, but for providing for us, for taking us on the journey of a lifetime and more importantly for bringing us together as a family." At this a chorus of 'Hear, hears!' and a smattering of applause broke out once more and Tom waited for them to die down before he continued. "It's also an excuse to get the crew together again before we all go our separate ways. Besides," He added as an afterthought, "When have we ever needed a reason to throw a good party?"

Overwhelmed, Chakotay waited for Kathryn to respond and when she didn't, he threw a sidelong glance at her only to see her standing there, head tilted slightly, hand on her throat as she gazed deeply and affectionately at her crew. Sensing that they, like him, were awaiting a response, she drew a deep and steadying breath, hoping it would keep the tears at bay. Only once she believed that she had full command of her emotions, did she speak:

"Thank you... all of you, not only for this," she waved her hand at the large and imposing marble-pillared hall, "But for your unwavering support at times when I know it must not have been easy to give." At this, some of the crew, most of them Maquis, though they were accompanied by some of their Starfleet comrades, notably the former Equinox crew, looked away, embarrassed to recall their rebellion in the early legs of Voyager's journey.

"Thank you, for your dedication to duty, for your attention to detail, for your loyalty, support, but most importantly your friendship. Thank you for your optimism on days when it seemed like we would never see our loved ones again. All those things you credit Chakotay and I with, things like caring for you and bringing us together – are things in which we played no bigger part than you yourselves did, for it was _your _dedication to duty and _your _hard work that provided our meals. _Your _courage and willingness to risk your lives in the face of grave danger that kept us safe and the warmth of your hearts and the strength of your characters – your willingness to look past our faults and give second chances, which brought us closer together to create the strong and solid family we are today. I'm sure I speak for the Commander, as well as myself (at this Chakotay nodded), when I say that each and every one of you made the tough days so much more bearable. I am going to miss you all and though I intend to come around and speak to you all individually - I am looking forward to meeting the families that lent me such fine men and women - let me just take the opportunity now to wish you all the best for the future and should you find yourselves in need of anything, _anything at all_, remember, I will always be a mere comm. call away." And with that Kathryn smiled kindly and met the eyes of her crewmen closest to her to convince them the sincerity in her words, though she did not need to.

It was only after she had urged everyone to get back to the party and they were distracted once more that she turned to Chakotay, ready to meet his gaze, knowing full well that he would see right through her and realise just how touched she was by the whole thing. His piercing stare and knowing look would release the overwhelming tears which were threatening to spill. But before she had a chance to even glimpse him, they were surrounded by her senior staff, eager to be the first to convey their well-wishes. "So," she started, her voice cracking a little as she spoke and at once Chakotay's hand found the small of her back to lend her the strength she needed. She drew a breath and joked, "Is there really such a thing as the Associated Council for the Federal Commission of Agriculture, Food and Fisheries?"

"Now you mention it, Captain," Chakotay chimed in, "It does seem a little far-fetched to me."

Both Chakotay and Kathryn had been carted off to hundreds of these functions over the last three months that they hadn't even stopped to question the validity of the engagement, accepting blindly that this would be another one of those events where they would have to turn up, smile and regale the audience with anecdotes of life in the Delta Quadrant.

"You are correct, Captain, Commander," piped up Seven as she moved to stand next to Chakotay, causing Kathryn to sharply shift her gaze between them and Chakotay's abrupt removal of his hand from Kathryn's back. "It is a fictitious council, Captain." Seven continued, "But Mr. Paris assured me that such a deception was necessary to ensure the success of the evening."

Tom rolled his eyes. "It's called a _surprise,_ Seven."

"I cannot understand the human custom of such events. Suppose the Captain or Commander had been weak hearted or of faint countenance, they would not have been able to..."

"Having stared down the Borg and Species 8472, I would hardly choose to describe Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay as 'weak hearted' or of 'faint countenance'," said B'Elanna handing each of her commanding officers a flute of champagne.

"Lieutenant, I was merely stating..." began Seven's defence. Kathryn smiled at the scene, knowing full well that the debate would end with light teasing after the Doctor had come to Seven's defence on several instances. With that thought, she looked sharply at the Doctor, wondering how he was taking Seven's fledgling relationship with Chakotay. She had always been under the impression that the Doctor had a great deal of affection for the former Borg. Looking away from him to study the rest of her senior staff, she caught B'Elanna's eye.

"B'Elanna."

"Captain?" Asked B'Elanna, confused at the slightly perplexed expression Kathryn's wore.

"So it _was_ you that I saw at the end of the corridor this evening?" She asked.

B'Elanna nodded, explaining that she had been forced to return to the room to get a change for Miral and hadn't expected the Captain to leave her quarters at the exact same moment. One she realised she was in Kathryn's spotting line, she had hurried down the corridor, hoping to have gone unnoticed by the older woman.

"Good," Kathryn, breathed a sigh of relief, "I was beginning to think I was losing my mind - or at least that missing Voyager was beginning to have a physical effect."

B'Elanna laughed, but later she would recall these words and realise just how difficult it was for Kathryn to let go of a crew she had become so attached to.

"Captain!" Harry Kim called as he made his way towards the group, "I wanted to introduce Mrs. Miller."

Kathryn starred at the older, dark-haired woman, ransacking her brain in an attempt to place the connection the stranger had with Voyager. It was when the woman approached and she noted the dark, bushy eyebrows and slightly tanned skin that she recalled standing on a crumbling bridge as Seven, in an attempt to check Ensign Miller's pulse, turned the young man's burnt face towards her. A console had blown up in his face, throwing him against the railing and melting his eyes shut, merging his once chistled features into a huge scar. She had known, without having to turn to Seven for confirmation, that the boy was dead.

"Mrs. Miller," she said sombrely, taking the woman's hands in her own, "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," said the woman, her voice quiet, eyes downcast. Kathryn noted that the woman couldn't bring herself to meet her gaze. No doubt she was grief stricken and this place, with its happy reuniting families must only remind her even more strongly of her loss.

"Your son..." Kathryn began heavily, recalling her brief interactions with the Ensign, but she was cut off by the older woman. "Starfleet forwarded Henry's personal logs to us a few weeks after you got home," she began, "He thought you were a fine Captain, he was honoured to serve under you. I want you to know _he_ never begrudged your for anything you had to do out there."

Kathryn fought the urge to flinch. The older woman had touched on a sore nerve. Try as she might, Kathryn had a feeling that she would never come to terms with the guilt she felt for stranding the crew 70,000 light years away from Earth. Choosing to ignore the latter part of Alice Miller's comment, she patted the woman's hand tenderly. "The honour was mine." Kathryn paused, struggling to find words that wouldn't come across as oft-repeated hollow and age-old platitudes, but in the end decided that she could only speak the truth and hope that her sincerity would convey itself. "Henry was a fine, fine man – one of the bravest I have ever had the pleasure of serving with. He sacrificed himself for the rest of us. Our journey was never the same without him."

"Thank you, Captain," The woman pulled Kathryn in for a hug and when she withdrew to be led away by Mr. Kim as other crew members approached the Captain, Kathryn felt the damp stain the woman's tears had left on her dress and struggled to put on a happy face for the approaching operations crewman who was eager to introduce her parents and younger brothers to the Captain and Commander.

Although such joyous meetings were aplenty throughout the course of that night, Kathryn met many parents, siblings and spouses who weren't accompanied by a crewman that night. Many of them were related to her original crew – the ones who had left Deep Space Nine on Voyager's maiden voyage. She understood of course that most of the Maquis had very little family in attendance because for most of them, it was the death of their families at the hands of the Cardassians that had urged them to take up the rebel cause and she wondering painstakingly if it upset them to see their colleagues surrounded by loved ones. She spotted a group of them huddled together, whispering in a corner – occasionally glancing about the room and hoped that they could find solace and comfort amongst each other.

As the evening progressed, she found herself seeking the some solace of her own on one of the balconies just off the hall. Again, she found herself thinking about the Maquis and began making plans for what she could do to help them adjust to life back on Earth. Unlike Chakotay and the Parises, many of them had chosen to resign their commission, she only hoped that they now felt free from the unrest that had led them to joining the rebel cause and went on to lead productive lives. She had many connections outside Starfleet and she was sure that she could find most of them jobs that they would be happy with, if nothing else.

She was lost deep in thought, that she didn't notice a figure approach her from behind until he reached out to touch her shoulder. She whirled around, "Chakotay!" She breathed, both startled and relieved that it was him and not another bereaved family member. "You gave me a fright." She admitted.

He smiled and tugged his ear. "I just wanted to let you know, Seven and I are heading back up."

Kathryn nodded and said, "I'd better be heading off soon myself."

"You should stay," he insisted, "The crew loves to see you. I don't think they'd be pleased to find out that the evening is more of a burden on you than you let on."

At that, Kathryn allowed a half a smile to grace her face, "You know me too well." And then she turned sombre and sighed, hugging herself against the sudden chill. "All those lives, Chakotay."

"I know." She turned to face him, startled by his uncharacteristic reluctance to offer her the comfort he usually did. "But..."

"Chakotay, are you ready to leave?" Seven appeared at the doors to the balcony. Spotting the Captain there, she addressed her, "Oh, apologies Captain, I did not see you."

"It's alright, Seven." Kathryn said in as gracious a voice as she could muster as Seven moved to wait just beyond the doors to the balcony, "Good night, Chakotay."

"Goodnight, Kathryn."

Kathryn shivered again as she watched his retreating figure. Only this time, not because of the cold, but because of the way he had caressed her name, offering through it the strength and comfort that he could not give in front of Seven.

* * *

"Do you have much longer left, Ensign?" Kathryn asked the young man who stood on duty outside her door.

"Only another half hour, Captain. Lieutenant Kai will be taking the next shift."

"Well, I really am sorry to have to put you through this." She patted his shoulder.

"It's part of the job, Captain."

"Well, thank you all the same." She smiled as she keyed in the admittance code to her suite.

"My pleasure, Captain."

Kathryn flitted about the suite when she entered, ordering cup of coffee from the replicator as she removed her shoes and changed into something more comfortable. It was as she was removing her earrings that she heard a sudden blast accompanied by tremors beneath her feet. Years of experience told her that there had been an explosion of some sort and as soon as she had made that assessment, her Starfleet training kicked in and she bolted for the door, her frantic thoughts of the safety of her crew several floors downstairs.

Barefooted, she rushed out into the empty hallway. She knew that the odds were high that the blast had been a preordained attack, motivated by malice – accidents of this sort just didn't happen these days. Equally, she knew that the target of any such attack would be the Voyager crew. As much as their return had been heralded by the masses, she knew there were those who wished they had perished in the Delta Quadrant and she suspected, from the veracity of the hate mail she received that some of these people would go to great lengths to remedy that situation. And now, with all 'The Voyagers' gathered in the hotel's ballroom, they made easy prey.

She made her way to the turbolift frantically punching the 'call' button. She could hear faint screams and cries coming from the rest of the building. Beating the button a few more times, she contemplated taking the emergency stairs, but knew it would be futile – the hoards of other guests attempting to flee the building would only hinder her quest to get to her crew. Little did she know that had she attempted that escape route, she would have found the doors locked.

She heaved a sigh of relief as she finally heard the familiar whirring of the approaching turbolift. In her gusto to get downstairs, she dashed forward as soon as the door open, little realising that she was propelling herself into far greater danger. Seconds later, she was backing away from the sight that had greeted her in the turbolift, meeting a solid wall behind her. As she turned to run in the direction of the emergency exit, the figures that had met her in the turbolift rushed at her. She struggled against the gloved hands that tried to pin her to the ground, throwing off her first two assailants with well placed blows, but she was outnumbered and eventually they managed to pin her to the floor, burying her face in the carpet. As they cuffed her hands behind her back, the emerald earring she had been holding fell out of her grasp. As it landed on the floor beside her, she felt a phaser dig into her back.

Behind her, she heard a voice call for a beam out and before Kathryn knew it she was being enveloped in the familiar waves of a transporter beam.

* * *

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the characters, I'm just taking them and as much as I hope that it's where no one has gone before I really don't think I've managed to escape any of the clichés.

Author's Note: I'm back! I do apologize for my absence – things got so hectic and once I stopped writing it just seemed so difficult to come back to it, but yesterday I found my notes for this story in one of my old textbooks and pretty soon I'd abandoned all thoughts of studying in favour of writing Chapter 4. I won't be able to procrastinate like this very often, but with good time management (which I'm sure you've guessed that I suck at) I'm going to strive to post a new chapter every other week at least, if not weekly. By hook or by crook, I WILL finish this story! I should warn you however, that in the two years I've been inactive, I haven't written any fiction at all and I found _everything _difficult, so apologies if this is a little dry, but as usual, all reviews and constructive criticism are welcome and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Chakotay felt Seven's fingers brush tentatively against his and in response he sought the warmth of her flesh in the gaping holes between the metal implants that still encased her left hand. As he studied her as they walked in companionable silence, he marvelled at how he had come to care so deeply for the woman he had once tried to convince Kathryn to abandon. In the few months they had been together, Chakotay had quickly learnt that under the former Borg's cold exterior lay a delicate woman, one that lay well-masked beneath layers of indifference and an almost arrogant confidence for fear that it was a weakness that would betray her. It was the glimpses into the softer side of her personality that had first drawn Chakotay to her. Sure, he had been charmed by it, but he also felt honoured, privileged and even a little responsible now that she had entrusted him with her vulnerabilities. In turn, he felt committed to showing her that she could be both strong and independent without sacrificing her emotions and small gestures such as these that showed he was beginning to make progress. Of course, he rationalised, his work would be much easier if the callous Kathryn Janeway had not, for so long, been her only mentor and confidant.

Immediately Chakotay chided himself for his spitefulness. He knew that much of his resentment towards Kathryn stemmed from the fact that it was their relationship which had suffered as a consequence of her steely belief that she had to be the cold, hard and determined 'Captain' if the ship and its crew were to survive the Delta Quadrant. He also knew however, that she had simply been doing what she thought was best for them all. He had likened his role on Voyager to being a mere cog in a well-oiled machine that was united in its goal to survive, whereas Kathryn had felt that it was her responsibility and hers alone to feed 146 mouths and sustain 146 lives and that the immensity of her task meant that she could not indulge in anything that would distract her from it.

He glanced back at the vacant balcony where only moments ago he had stood face to face with Kathryn. Their interrupted conversation had left him feeling unsettled and leaving with Seven on his arm, he had wilfully fought the overwhelming urge to seek her out and convince her once and for all that the whole damned thing was not her fault. Instead, he had convinced Seven to take a midnight stroll in the hotel's expansive gardens before retiring to their suites in the hope that it would help him wind down and centre himself after an emotionally charged evening. Of course, if they happened to bump into Kathryn once more, that would only be an added bonus, he reasoned, refusing to acknowledge his true motives for the walk. He contemplated how could make Kathryn see that although there had been pain and heartache, there wasn't a single member of Voyager's crew who would go back to do it any differently. _Let go, Kathryn_, he urged the thought into the night's sky, hoping it would find its way to her, _let it all go_. _Bring back the Kathryn who once laughed with abandoned and indulged in flirtatious banter unhesitatingly. _

_Unhesitatingly...? _ He mulled over his peculiar choice of words – Hesitant? Why would Kathryn have been hesitant to indulge in flirtatious behaviour?

He paused mid-stride as the revelation threatened to overwhelm him. Of course, how could he have been so blind? He was the catalyst for Kathryn's withdrawal. He had read every quip and touch that Kathryn exchanged with him as a prelude to something more, something she could not give him. Every time Kathryn, the woman, made an appearance, he had pressed, albeit gently, for some semblance of a deeper relationship, despite the parameters she had painstakingly defined and eventually it was simply easier and – if what she had implied in the shuttle was true and she really had felt the same way about him – less hurtful, to closet Kathryn away and become 'The Captain'.

"Chakotay?" Seven was looking at him expectantly and somewhat impatiently. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no, I – uh..."

He saw a blaze of light before he heard it, but the explosion only registered when the tremors threw him into a neatly-trimmed hedge. He turned back towards the ballroom just in time to see it crumble in on itself like a poorly made crème brulée. Although they were some distance away from the falling debris, in the moments it took him to recover from the fall, Chakotay could feel the air around him grow dense with dust and rubble as terrified screams filled the night.

"Are you harmed?" Asked Seven, who was propping herself up to kneel over him. She was bleeding from a gash above her eye where a branch had cut into her forehead.

It was only when he shook his head that she began pulling him up by his arm. "Are you?" He asked, reaching to wipe some of the blood off her ocular implant as he stood facing her.

Her hand went up to her forehead as well. "The wound is superficial. I am otherwise unharmed."

They turned back to look at the crumbling building as they regained their composure. "The crew…" Seven held Chakotay back as he made a move towards what had once been the ballroom.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he tried to shrug her off. "The crew needs us."

"The structural integrity of the building continues to be compromised. Any attempt at rescue must only be made once the debris has settled, lest we incur further casualties."

As if to emphasize her point, a falling column collapsed onto the ballroom's balcony. Chakotay turned back to Seven, "No," he whispered, "We can help. There must be something…" His voice trailed off as he sprinted towards the scene of the disaster and even Seven, bionic woman that she was, could not catch up with him.

* * *

"Have you seen the Captain?" Chakotay stopped a passing crewman for what must have been the umpteenth time.

"Sorry, I haven't, Commander."

It had been an hour since the blast and Chakotay was beginning to fear the worst. If Kathryn wasn't barking orders and working to rescue her trapped crewmen and their families, then she must be trapped under the rubble and was probably hurt or even dying.

Chakotay wiped the sweat off his face with the back of his dress shirt as he returned to removing the rubble. Close by, Starfleet's rescue teams worked carefully with laser cutters on some of the bigger pieces of debris, whilst others, like himself, worked on removing the smaller, more manageable pieces. Off in a corner, B'Elanna, Seven and several other engineers stood huddled over a console trying to determine which survivors or pieces of rubble they could extricate from the ruins by means of the transporters without compromising its structural integrity and doing even more damage. Some distance behind him, away from the disaster zone, was the triage facility, where survivors lay recovering or waiting to be checked by medics. Already they had recovered about twenty of those who had been trapped beneath the remains of the ballroom, none of whom had been seriously injured, but Chakotay knew that was only because their current efforts were focused solely on the outskirts of the wreckage where the debris was the lightest. As they progressed deeper into the ruins, deaths would soon be confirmed, and Chakotay felt immensely selfish for wishing above all else, that Kathryn was not amongst that number.

"Is the list ready?" Chakotay stopped Ensign Murphy as the younger man made his way towards the engineers. They were waiting on a list of attendees at the event to determine who was safe and who remained trapped in the rubble.

"I'm sorry, not yet, Commander."

"Tell them to hurry up. And not to forget any of the hotel's staff who were working the event. I want to know the names of everyone who was in there."

"Yes, Sir. Anything else, Sir?"

"No... but have you seen the Captain anywhere?"

"I'm afraid not Commander, sorry."

As Chakotay watched the young ensign hurry away, his gaze fell on the holding area next to the triage facility, where relatives who were too distraught or otherwise unable to assist with the rescue efforts sat huddled together trying to reassure themselves that their loved ones were still alive. Already, Samantha Wildman had worked herself into a frenzy over the fact that Naomi was nowhere to be found and had to be sedated. How could this have happened? He wondered. They were in the Alpha Quadrant now, they were supposed to be safe here, and yet this was by far bigger than any disaster Voyager had faced in the Delta Quadrant.

"Chakotay, Tuvok, over here!" Tom Paris called from where he was working close by. Thankfully, he and B'Elanna had left the party some time before Chakotay and Seven, when Miral had started to get particularly fussy.

A shoulder and a flash of auburn hair. Chakotay felt his hopes raise as the three men worked together to pull the rocks off the woman's body as quickly as they could.

"Her pulse isn't very strong," said Tom as they freed the woman's wrist. "Doctor! Medics! We need medics over here!"

The ruckus was beginning to draw a crowd. "Please, keep back. You are hampering the rescue effort." Chakotay could hear Ensign Vorik trying to keep 'the relatives' at bay as they strained to get a glimpse of the trapped victim.

"Just this lift this one and we've got her." Together the men lifted a particularly large piece of rubble so the medics could drag the woman out from beneath it. Chakotay studied the woman as wails rose from the crowd of relatives who were beginning to realise that she was not one they sought, and slowly, they allowed themselves to be guided back to the holding area.

"Is she alive?" Chakotay asked the Doctor who was hovering over the woman with a tricorder.

"She's got tough genes. She'll make it."

Chakotay felt a little lighter knowing that they had at least saved this woman's life and that hers was another count for the survivor's list, but as he watched the Doctor and several other medics lift Gretchen Janeway onto a stretcher, he wondered whether he would soon have to give her news that her daughter, only just been returned to her from the far reaches of the galaxy, had died.

_No_, he told himself as he went back to work. _She's alive_. _I can feel it. I would know if she were dead_, but he still couldn't shake the foreboding feeling that had plagued him since he had left Kathryn standing alone on the balcony earlier that evening.

* * *

There was a throbbing at the back of her head. Or was it between her eyes? When had she hit her head? Kathryn Janeway groaned as she tried to focus on the simple task of opening her eyes. The lights were dim and for a moment, she wondered whether she was in Voyager's sickbay, she did often felt this way when she woke up in sickbay, but the bed was unusually cold and the bare walls, made of mismatched sheets of metal crudely welded together, unfamiliar. As Kathryn sat up and tried to reorient herself, she took stock of her surroundings. The metal bed she lay on stood in the corner of a small bare room, of which one of the walls was missing, but if the soft hum was anything to go by, in its stead, was a pretty powerful force field. With her back against the wall, she could feel the slight vibration that indicated she was travelling on a shuttle, probably, at warp three. As soon as she realised she was in the brig of a pretty rudimentary starship, it all came flooding back to her - the party, the blast, the assailants in the turbolift.

She struggled to get up and make her way to the force field, bracing herself against the wall for support. She had to find out what was happening. Has there really been an explosion? Were her people okay? Why had she been kidnapped? Were the two linked? What now? What were her chances of escape? Her head started to pound and her skin began to bristle as she neared the force field, but there was no one beyond it to give her any answers. As her vision started to blur, a wave of nausea threatened to overcome her and she quickly made her way back to the bed. As she curled into the foetal position, she willed herself to stay awake. The symptoms of the concussion would soon pass and she could then plan her escape, but only if she managed to stay awake.

* * *

To be continued...


End file.
